My Experience - Ex Camps

Aug 20

I’m no stranger to grief but within this world I’ve always felt like one.

Since I was a little girl I’ve constantly analyzed the way of the world and the people who make it up in deep thought. When explaining to strangers how my mind functions I typical tell them this, “You may look at a tree and tell yourself it’s just a tree. When I look at a tree I think to myself, “how old is it, what was there before it laid down its roots, what are the stories surrounding this tree, or what will become of it.” I know it sounds too complicated of a thought in reference to a trunk with leaves but for me it symbolizes life which in itself is intriguing.

Due to my mental make-up, carrying on small talk was difficult as a child and even difficult still. However, I had loved ones who encouraged me to see life as brilliantly and intuitively as I did.

I felt seen.

This changed for me in 2001 when my maternal grandfather had a heart attack and passed away. Abuelo Willy, along with my Abuelo Ramon and Abuela Gladys who I would later lose as well, always told me how special I was. I know family “supposed to” but they actually made me feel special rather than an outcast which is how I felt with everyone else. It was in losing them that changed the course of my life.

I never came to terms with never seeing them again or hearing the sound of their voices calling me Cucaracha or Nata. I dwelled in my sorrow, drowning in the memories I had and the memories I would ultimately miss out on. I felt disconnected and lost amongst a world I believed didn’t understand me. As time went on, so did I. Yet, a dark cloud floated over me dimming the light my loved ones’ saw in me. I made friends who helped spark that light once more. Nonetheless, most of my friends were temporary people just passing through my life.

As the pattern of loss continued, either by what seemed like abandonment or someone’s death, my spirit became lonely.

“I love you, Mi Nuñi.”

The sound of those words spoken by the most magnificent woman I’ve ever known is what kept me alive. It was my Mami’s kind heart and her contagious smile that eased the pain I was struggling with. Not many people knew what chaos our lives had became—especially after my paternal grandfather’s death—but her and I were in the thick of it and it was Mami who found beauty amongst the destruction. She truly saw me, she understood me, and she absolutely loved me.

We could conquer any challenge, as long as we had each other. Except the one—the one.

Mami was diagnosed with stage four pancreatic and liver cancer right before Thanksgiving of 2017.

On July 22, 2018, she passed.

The light within me quickly burnt out without her. I felt empty.

On July 4, my best friend, Vanessa, sent me a text message with a screenshot of an email sent to her:

“Justin Weidenfeld,

I have been volunteering with an organization called Experience Camps for the last 4 years now. Experience Camps sends kids who have lost a parent, sibling or primary caregiver to a one week overnight sleep away camp… We are looking for a photographer for our camp the week of July 31st - August 5th.”

Vanessa asked me if I would be interested in being the photographer so she could forward my information back to Justin.

“Sure,” I thought to myself.

After much thinking and some convincing from Vanessa and Justin, I said yes to volunteering as a Photographer at Experience Camps.

July 30 finally arrived and I began my drive from Ocala to Rutledge, Georgia to this week long grief camp. Honestly, I contemplated turning my car around and going home multiple times. As interested as I was in the camp, I was terrified if I would fit in or if I would feel like an outcast stuck in the middle of nowhere for an entire week. Well, pushing those negative thoughts aside and making it to camp was one of the best decision I ever made.

After the first day of camp, it was clear to me that I belonged there. I never felt a bigger sense of acceptance than what I felt with the people of Experience camps. As my newly made friend Alison said, “we are part of the worst club with the most beautiful people.”

It was at Twin Lakes where time stopped long enough for us to learn how to live again. We spoke of our late loved ones and the emotions that surrounded us from losing them. We cried but we also smiled in memory of them. We embraced one another regardless of whatever difference we may have as individuals and became extended family. It was the most beautiful heartbreaking week I’ve ever had… and I wouldn’t change a moment of it.

I found a community where I feel seen and understood and genuinely loved.

Yes, I’m no stranger to grief and now I’m no stranger in this world.

Thank you Experience Camps for giving me the family I never knew I needed. I know my Mami would be proud of the impact you all are making not only on me but for every person who’s felt the hardships of loss.
To the best week ever, I hope your magic sparks the light within us for the next 51 weeks until we meet our Experiences Camps family again.

“THAT WAS AWESOME!”